A Little Deeper & Other Poem

I
it all started with a white school teacher
locking her grade 5 pupils inside a classroom
a black boy  in a corner breathing slowly  deeply

by the strength  of his own legs
frantically climbing  attempting to escape
by way of the classroom window,

possessed by the fight or flight
drowning   under the laughter of school children,
because he felt he was on the verge of dying.  

II
often confused with claustrophobia,
 the nature of the fear is not one of enclosed space   
the fear is of being  trapped        
 & this is a fear  that I have lived with  for a long time now.

III
when the windows are shut 
 when the doors are locked             
I reassure myself         
that everything is fine  
but only after I have seen the keys,
 & when I don’t see the keys,
I am overcome
by this feeling of drowning

then to breathing slowly  deeply
my gentle lie
just to get some sleep.

IV
the sinking feeling a transition 
into  an aversion  to signing things   
& once  a small ring  got stuck  on my finger
& as I struggled   to pull it off my heart racing,     
     all I was thinking  was
is this   what commitment  would feel like.

V
there were talks of hypnosis   once, 
until I thought    how could I live freely,  
knowing I once surrendered my mind
for another person's spell.
the essence of my issue is control,  

because I feel   once  I step  inside  an elevator   
I give myself to the machine   that may well stop in limbo
perhaps the doors may jam closed  & remain that way for an eternity.

the truth is  rooted in the ground floor        
I have lied to myself
saying that I elevate by the strength of my own legs
my truth is  I have absolutely no trust for elevators

VI
is the heart not imprisoned behind the rib cage,        
is the soul not imprisoned by the body,
a heavy rock, sinking         
with each year  a little deeper

tightly entangled with the seaweed
on the ocean floor  is the same little boy  
still down there
& isn’t it such a wonder  

how for so long  he has somehow managed
to hold his breath  for all these years.

Observations during a Siege

afirst observation on laughter
nothing was meant by it  it was pure coincidence that a Mexican pale lager 
 had the misfortune of being named  ‘Corona’  the jokes were harmless
& for a brief tender moment a light-heartedness   to ease tensions   
 with laughter described as medicinal   or another way to keep from crying.

a second observation on a false sense of security

by definition, panic as  “a sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety”
& who could have foreseen the commercial carnage 
 an aged psychologist blames retail therapy or buying to manage an emotional state    
& so this was  the moment in time  when panic compelled a sudden rush
 can you believe  survival comes at a cost 
 
a third observation on control

 lockdowns and curfews imposed,   under the guise of    ‘to protect and serve’
Lagos, Nairobi, Soweto on the news  we are under the siege    
 & to think of all the things     we have in common  with the rest of the world
how protective measures become even deadlier  than the virus itself.
 
a fourth observation on a loss of power

for some, the gravitas of things yet to register    nor to infiltrate the depths of the nervous system,  
of all disinformation  the fake news   & above all the willingness to endanger others
the reality of our fates intertwined  the laissez-faire approach  of those not willing to comply. 
a final observation on being desensitized

the virus  the regional statistics the measuring of ‘hotspots’
the ‘epicentres’ the active cases the number of  recoveries    the comparisons of continental graphs  the mutations         the vaccination conspiracy theories the so-called South African variant       the numbers   the numbers declining the numbers increasing  the change
the deaths today  versus   the deaths yesterday  the value of a single life
the date of the first death in your country         the value of a single life  
the afterthought 

all the ways we have been changed by the siege.

Sihle Ntuli is a South African poet and classicist living in Durban. He holds a Master of Arts degree in Classical Civilisations and has previously lectured at the University of the Free State, where he was awarded the 2019 CTL Innovation Award for Curriculum Design and Delivery. His poetry was shortlisted for the DALRO Poetry Prize in 2017. He most recently became the author of the poetry chapbook, Rumblinin 2020. He has had work published in South Africa and across the African continent on notable journals such as Lolwe, Down River Road&The Johannesburg Review of Books.